Yesterday was a difficult day.
Normally, on Tuesdays I go to a Bible study at a local church. When I started homeschooling Megan, I had naively thought that...no problem, she'll just go with me.....well, it didn't turn out as 'no problem' as I had thought. The first time, she just sat and watched the Beth Moore video with us....but she constantly fidgeted. The second time and the third.....she took school books with her....but she was constantly asking for help and I would, as quietly as possible try to do so but I was conscious of disturbing the other ladies. So, yesterday I decided not to go.
Three times after she got up Megan asked if we were going anywhere...three times I said that we weren't.
She did her school work....had a difficult page in math...difficult for her....to try to explain it required abstract reasoning and FAS kids don't get abstract...they are very literal. So, I gave up trying to explain, reasoning to myself 'When will she ever learn that?'.......
The resource teacher, from the elementary school, sent some reading books home for her along with some 'book report' sheets. She came close to tears when she saw them...not that they were difficult but she had seen me bring out the Christmas DVD's and she was excited to watch Rudolph. I told her she had to do one book(let) first....her bottom lip was dragging on the kitchen table.
After her lunch she wanted to work on a puzzle that Maya had done a few days ago....I told her she'd have to wash her hands first....'why, are we going somewhere?'....'no, you just have to have clean hands to do a puzzle'...'why, would you ask....haven't I told you several times that we weren't?'..'where would we go?'....she says..'maybe to get my glasses tightened,..they're loose'...'not today', I replied.
I was feeling very down, very depressed.....I had hoped that one of the benefits of homeschooling Megan would be getting to know her better....becoming closer to her.....I realized that wasn't happening...I realized that the Megan that I had come to know in the last three years since she came to live with us,...was Megan.....all of her....
I emailed hubby and he encouraged me to set up my Christmas village...so, I did...didn't really want to but forced myself.....put on some nice Christmas music and partly through I was feeling not too bad.....although,.... poor Tucker....I always put on the CD player when I go out...hoping that the music will drown out outside noises and Tucker wont bark so much and be nervous. As soon as he heard the player go on he was up to his feet and he started pacing and breathing heavily....and Megan said...'where are we going?'
It was time for the older ones to come home from highschool. It wasn't long after they did that the bickering started and I was hearing 'leave me alone, Emma' from Ben...he was becoming very insistent and very loud..it was quickly going to become physical...I could tell, so I told him he needed to go to his room...he did go because he realized that he needed to calm down. Ben is extremely paranoid...another FAS trait....anything that anyone does is 'copying him' and he demands that they stop...at supper I had to move him from sitting across from Maya because it wasn't the first time he has accused her of copying him in eating!
I wanted to run away, but the realization hit me that I couldn't...Don was teaching and wouldn't be home til later and I couldn't leave Ben at home with the girls and taking him with me would defeat the purpose of running away. augh!!!
After a nutritional supper of 'Kraft dinner', I took Maya to the church for band practice (of, course, taking Ben with me) and then came home to wait for hubby to return....the highlight of my day....10 more years til he retires says he......just around the corner, right?