Tuesday, November 30, 2010

We were just getting ready for bed when I heard the wailing.....coming from downstairs....I knew it was Emma....she was once again angry with me.....

She wanted her 'friend' to come and sleep over.....she had already tried to convince me that this girl needed to come and live with us...that her dad was kicking her out...she needed a place to stay.......this is the same girl that used the 'b' word, for a female dog...which is fine if you're actually talking about dogs...but she was talking about me...just a few months ago....and Emma now wanted her to come to live with us.......

I told her that first of all...we didn't have the room.....she indicated her bedroom floor...I said that was fine for a one night sleep over but not an extended indefinite stay......I also said that because this girl was underage that she really should be calling Children's Aid ...they could help her in ways that we couldn't...they could put her in touch with government agencies that could help her to establish life on her own......the bottom line is that I didn't want this child in my home.....this is unusual for me....I've been accused by family members of 'collecting' kids....and I will admit that my 'former' foster mother heart wanted to help this girl, wanted to give her the mothering that I knew she had never experienced...but I just can't.....too much going on with Emma these days, too much going on with Megan these days, concerns for Paul, Corey, Ryan, Jenn, Leslie, Jairus, Lauren, Ryan P, and most of all, concern for my beloved....who works too hard....he doesn't need another teen in this house, especially one that we would have no real jurisdiction over....

Emma wants to hang out with school friends after school, on weekends....any time.....we say no.......these kids are the ones that claim to be bisexual, who post really gross pics on Facebook, most have the tattoos and the multiple piercings, the less than appropriate clothing attire....

.......I said to Emma, as she sobbed....Emma, when you were younger and you made the choice to go out on the road, get to close to a moving car, too near to the campfire and kept on having asthmatic attacks in the pool...dad and I did something...we kept you away from the road, out of the path of a moving car, stopped you from leaning too close to the fire and made sure you took your inhaler before swimming.....that's because you were making bad choices that would harm you...we are your parents, we love you...it was our job to keep you safe.....

......now, you are older but sometimes you are still making choices that are harmful to you.....hanging out with these kids after school (I can not control her hanging out with them during the seven hours of school time).....is harmful to you.....we have to try and keep you safe.....she just cried...'just stop, I don't want you to'.....'I know, but I have to...that's my responsibility, I'm your parent'....

Earlier, I had found a paper on the floor in her room...(she had left it in plain view for me to find)...it said (in her favourite colour)....there will be five new cuts on my arm for everyday that I'm not allowed to see my friends......I asked 'are you trying to blackmail me.....if you do this, it will be your choice....I don't want you to do it..but it will be your choice...and it's liable to get you onto the psych ward....'I don't care', she says........'well, it is your choice', I say.

So, as I sit beside her bed, at 11:45pm....I'm drawn to touch her shoulder, as she cries, to rub it gently....she cries out..'don't touch me, I don't want you to touch me'....I continue to rub......I say...'I'm your mom and I love you'.......

...a few more minutes pass...she says 'just go, just go'....and so I do....but, as I leave I gently, inconspicuously, move a pair of scissors of the floor, that were by my feet.....to under the bed...no, I don't think she's suicidal....I just didn't want anymore cutting...I didn't want the scissors there, prompting her to use them.....

....another evening past....another day today......we'll see how today goes.....

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

#1 Son...

Ryan with son William on his shoulders...William actually enjoys his dad holding him this way....
Eldest son Ryan holding Flannery as she is now..... (I know ..I uploaded the pics in wrong order...adjust!)




Eldest Son Ryan holding his dog Flannery when she was a pup......
These pictures are posted because 34 years ago on November 25 at approximately 7:30am, Ryan came whimpering and mewing into this world .....it was a planned c-section, big sister Leslie's birth made that a necessity......she couldn't get down the birth canal so they were pretty sure that babe #2 wouldn't be able to either. Thirty-four years ago they did things a little differently.....you were admitted the previous evening to prep you properly.....husbands/dad's were not allowed in the delivery room......with Leslie, because it was suddenly needed they just put me out, general anesthetic....with Ryan I opted for an epidural......worst mistake of my life....I really should have known better.....I had two epidurals with Leslie...neither one 'took'....
.......when they inserted the needle for Ryan, I remember thinking that it was higher than I remembered the ones for Leslie's...but I was sooo nervous that I didn't give it much thought....until the doctor made the first incision and I felt it!! I let out a gasp...the doctor leaned over the drape and said...'did you feel that?'...yes!!!.....in went the local freezing...(they were prepared...that's a scary thought!)......I didn't think that I'd feel a thing....being frozen and all....was I wrong! It felt like they were going through my body and trying to come out my spine!..I lay there praying and hoping that it would be over quickly....a few moments later the doctor exclaimed...'it's a boy.....what?, I said (i had been convinced I was having another girl)...it's a boy!
They laid him in a little bassinet, and wheeled him over...not too close but I could still see this tiny, wee babe (6lbs7oz) on his tummy, curled up with his knees under him, and he was just making these little mewing sounds.....so tiny.....he obviously wasn't happy about being taken from his warm secure spot to this cold, sterile room....and it was snowing outside.....hey, I just realized that when baby William was born this last December that it was the snowingl for him also....they both came into the world as the snow came down outside....hmmmm.....
...anyways, it was quite the day.....when they had stitched me up they wheeled us both out into the hallway where hubby was waiting.....he was overjoyed that he had a new baby...hubby loves the babies.....we had to stay in the hospital a week...another thing they did differently back then...sections were always a week in the hospital......I ended up having complications from the epidural...some of the medication got into the spinal fluid and went up to my brain....horrible headaches....then the meds they gave to counteract that gave me hives! A birth to remember for sure!
Thirty four years later, that tiny wee babe is all grown up.....he's a good husband, a proud dad, a scholar....he's spent the last fourteen years going through post secondary education and Lord willing should be graduating with his ph.d. in new testament theology next spring...he's an excellent carpenter, he's made me many wonderful things....he's got a good head on his shoulders...and as his siblings will attest to, knows anything about everything ....he's going through a bit of a rough time right now...he's been trying so very hard to get a teaching position the last few years but these positions seem to be as scarce as hen's teeth.....he's discouraged...we pray for him every day....even little 2 year old Afton (grandaughter #3) prays everyday for 'uncle wyan to get a job'.....there is a job out there somewhere, of that I am convinced....I truly believe that God wouldn't have led him into this field if he didn't want him to use it to further his kingdom by teaching others....yes, I truly believe this...unfortunately, we want it now and our timing isn't God's timing.....it's all about resting in him, isn't it...easier said then done when you're discouraged..been there many a time....
God has a plan and His love has not failed me yet because I know that my Redeemer lives....because..
He runs to the weary, the worn and the weak (that's me)
And the same gentle hands that hold me when I'm broken
They conquered death to bring me victory.....
....and I know my Redeemer lives!
...and he lives for everyone of my children, in heaven and on earth....He has not forgotten.....
Ryan....I type this for all to see....dad and I are so proud of you.....we are proud that even amidst your sorrow that you keep going....you are a responsible, sensitive, caring man.....all the positions you fill..as a husband, a dad, a teacher, a carpenter, a co-worker, a friend....and most of all to us...a son...our very first son......you have filled our hearts with pride....and tomorrow we wish you a very Happy Birthday....may the Lord shine his face upon you and give you peace, my son. We love you.
Happy Birthday, Ryan!

Friday, November 19, 2010

An Amazing Weekend!

Good Morning Company Girls!

Well, I've waited til today to blog about my amazing weekend last weekend because I wanted to share with the Company Girls that graciously read my blog......for so long it seems like it's all been doom and gloom, but not this time...the only gloomy thing is that I don't have pics to show you...I know...failed again....you see we got this new camera about a year ago and I haven't made myself figure out how to load the pics on my computer yet and well, poor hubby is usually too busy during the week with working three jobs that I don't want to bug him about it when he's finally home.

but.....

I can still tell you about it...and maybe post pics over the weekend when hubby has a few moments...

...well, if you read last Friday's post then you would know that it was my 60th birthday....hubby had made plans...hubby loves making plans! Just after noon on Friday we left the house and drove down to Niagara Falls.....it had promised to be a sunny day but so far it wasn't.....by the time we had arrived though the sun was shining...lovely because the hotel room he had booked overlooked the falls from the fifteenth floor! Gorgeous, breathtaking view! While we were getting settled into there, my cell phone rang...it was my youngest brother calling, which I thot was strange since he's an elementary teacher and he should still be in school...which he was...I heard excited kids in the background......and then singing! His class sang Happy Birthday ...chachacha! to me!! I giggled throughout the song...what a hoot!

Then, after a little reading time (yes, I had brought a book...(never like to go somewhere without one) we changed our clothes cause hubby said we were eating someplace over the border in Buffalo and we had to be slightly dressed up....
....at the border crossing, the guard, of course was very nosy...asking a million questions...asked hubby what he got me for my birthday..hubby said..'this weekend away from the kids'...the cheeky guard said 'well, if you hadn't had the kids you wouldn't have to get away, would you?'....nervy pup, I'd say! Anyways, then we went to Joannes, where I did a little fabric shopping, and bought my first official Christmas gift for little Miss Honour, my 7 year old grandaughter....a small Singer sewing machine.....the label said for 6 years plus so I guess that fits her.....I hope she likes it!

Then onto supper at the Asa Ransom House....an old house set up for dining and staying at...they had a few rooms ...but the dining room was lovely ..very homey....we enjoyed a tasty meal...during the meal, eldest son Ryan called to wish me a Happy Birthday......Ryan lives about 3 hours and a bit away from us with his wife and baby son....

Then we crossed back into Canada to return to our hotel...unfortunately the fog had moved in so our perfect view was gone! It was like being in a room surrounded by cotton balls...very surreal!
...but at 9 p.m. all of a sudden there were fire works high in the sky above the clouds...I have no idea how they got them so high...we were on the fifteenth floor and they were higher than us....we stood at the window just delighted to watch them...I secretly thought...'look at that, fireworks just for me to celebrate my birthday!'....(ya, I know..just a little vain... :0)

The next day, we had a leisurely morning...hubby insisted on room service for breakfast...I had a fit when I saw the prices and just ordered a muffin off of his breakfast order...good grief they sure charge a lot...but then again it was Niagara Falls...everything is expensive there!

When we checked out at noon we travelled slowly back home, stopping at the Butterfly conservatory...an amazing place with a huge amount of beautiful butterflies in a natural habitat just flying around...they even landed on me!

Then we continued on to Niagara-on-the-Lake, where it was tea time! We went to the Irish shop and had tea and scones...after that we walked around for a bit but it had turned quite chilly so we finally left....just outside of NOTL, there is a lavender farm...now, I love lavender and hubby had planned to stop there....a really nice young man who owns the place with his wife, told us all about the different kinds and invited us back next spring when they have a whole weekend filled with activities....after buying some lavender body wash, we moved on...hubby said we had to stop on the way home to pick up a birthday cake for Sunday...he had invited my siblings and spouses for birthday cake on Sunday afternoon....as we got closer to Grimsby, he asked if I was ready for supper...now I kind of had been thinking that something was afoot here....both of us were a little weary and we're both usually on the same wave length....I would have gladly gone home, put my feet up and had some tea at this point and I knew he would feel that way too....but..here he was suggesting supper out...after we had already spent all this money....hmmmmm......
....also he had been texting madly throughout the day with someone...he wouldn't tell me who....the plot thickens...
after some supper, we stopped by the grocery store and he went in and got the cake...and then finally we were on the way home...not without some more texting though....the texting was weird cause hubby doesn't usually do a lot of texting.....hmmmmm......

When we arrived home ..all the lights were on and cars in the driveway...I thot I saw son Ryan, who was suppose to be 3 hours away in my bedroom window! I said to hubby...'was that Ryan?'....he shrugged and said..'I don't know, I didn't see him'...as we were getting out of the car I could hear the grand kids squealing...all the windows were open.....

walking into the house...everyone was exclaiming Happy Birthday...all my kids and some significant others were there...(well, except Corey, but I really wouldn't have expected to see him.....)...then eldest daughter said, apologetically....'um we kind of made a mess in your bedroom...you'd better come and see'.....so I did......as I walked into my bedroom I was dumbfounded! They had completely redecorated my bedroom while we were away! They had all worked together, stripped the room, removed old wallpaper that had only been there for over thirty years!....painted the walls and ceiling......installed a closet organizer...had always wanted one of those....and eldest son had made, stained and put up a shelf around the perimeter of the three walls of my room, about a foot lower than the ceiling, for my teddy bear collection.....yes, I've had a teddy bear collection for years....and now I could display them all!

OH MY GOODNESS!!!!!

What a treat....what an amazing thing for them all to do....even little Honour told me she had helped! They all worked together..all my kids to do this unbelievable thing...for me!

The next day after the siblings had left and we were all sitting around the dining room table....Lauren said..'well, mom..you only turn 60 once, we had to do something!'......

..and they sure did...but as I looked around the table, I will admit to getting a little teary eyed.....the thing that meant the most was that they had all come together, they had all worked together...it really made the last 36 years of parenting worthwhile....and that border crossing guard was wrong....if we hadn't had all the kids, life would yes, probably have been a little less stressful at times but....man, I think it would have been really boring and I would have missed out on this! To see my kids altogether like that...well, it warmed my heart and made it all worthwhile.

Have a great weekend!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Happy Birthday to me!


Good Morning Company Girls!


Well, today is my sixtieth birthday...yes, I'm really old! I actually don't feel that old...I was saying to one of my daughter's, just a bit ago that when I was younger, I thought 60 was really old! Well, now it really doesn't seem so.....although my eyes did betray me in the shower yesterday....


you see, when we went to San Antonio the guests shampoos and lotions were from Bath and Beyond...really nice Orange Ginger....so, of course, cause you are suppose to bring these little bottles home with you...that's what Oprah says.... I did...now the shampoo and body lotions are in these tiny brown bottles and the shampoo is in a clear one...I noticed just before I got in the shower that the conditioner one that I had been using was almost gone so I went to my travel bag and grab another bottle. After shampooing I put the conditioner on...well, it just didn't seem to go on the same way as before...it made me think...did I get the body lotion...I squinted at the bottle and couldn't see a darn thing...my glasses were on the vanity so I reached out of the shower, put them on..and lo and behold, yes, I had just put body lotion on my hair!! Good grief! So then I had to rewash my hair and go without conditioner...I guess that's what you'd call a senior moment!


So, fortunately today is hubby's alternate Friday off...he's made plans...anybody that knows my hubby knows that he delights in making plans to surprise me....so..because he had a few points left to get to the gold level for a hotel chain(Marriott)..he decided, with my suggestion, to book a hotel room for tonight at Niagara Falls! He also planned that we'd slip across the border to Joannes in Buffalo....Joannes isn't in Canada....to look at quilt fabric...he said that maybe I could buy a little....then he's made dinner reservations at some restaurant in Buffalo...I have no idea where..he wont tell me.....then we come back to Niagara Falls in Canada for the night...tomorrow, I'm not sure what he's got cooked up..but....he says he doesn't want to bring me home to the kids til he absolutely has to....you know it's been a rough couple of weeks with the kids...I really do need a break....so, that's it! Sounds pretty nice, eh? He's a pretty good hubby...I think I'll keep him..for at least another 37 years I hope!....oh....wait a minute...that would make me 97...good grief...I don't want to live to that old!


On Sunday, our children's program, of which eldest daughter and I co-ordinate, will be doing their Operation Christmas Child shoe box packing! It will be a full morning to be sure!..


so..that's my weekend...at least, I hope...that's what is planned, Lord willing, as my grandfather used to say.....what are your plans?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

The Gentle Heart




Maya is struggling....of all my kids I think that she is the most sensitive....the one that struggles with her emotions...they overwhelm her and she becomes a puddle. My heart aches for her.
Maya has called many times since she's been away....most times she is in a good mood ...doing well....but the closer that we come to Christmas the harder it is for her....last night, as soon as I picked up the phone...before I even said a word...I could hear her tears...her voice quivering....she's dreading Christmas without her grandfather....I am too, but when I allow myself to think about it it just makes me really sad, and sometimes tears will fall......she's also worried about her grandmother...worried that she'll go for another walk, get lost again or even worse, have an accident....
it's really hard to comfort your child when they're so far away, to reassure them that it will be okay...we will watch grandma, the weather's getting colder...she wont go wandering in the cold weather (we hope)....yes, we agree, Christmas will be different, no, it wont be the same....
...you hear the tears, the words seem inadequate, you speak softly, calmly...all the while your heart is breaking too....but you're a mom and you try to be strong...because that's what they're looking for, that's what they need.....
...she wants to go to the cemetery when she gets home at Christmas, she wants to see the gravestone.....I can understand that because in comparison to my siblings, I go there often...but I know Maya and I know that it will turn her into a puddle...
she ends the call by saying how much she loves me and how much she loves her dad...good words to hear from a teenager....
Maya's a big girl with a gentle heart....easily wounded....
parenting...it doesn't get easier as they get older, does it.....

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Books, Kindles and the Anglican church...

It's a quiet Sunday afternoon so far....the grand babies are off visiting a friend...they're suppose to come later to have birthday cake. Tomorrow is Emma's seventeenth birthday so were having cake today, when people are available.

I've been reading this afternoon...mainly because I overdid yesterday....we've started the long process of fixing Ben's bedroom....yesterday I went through everything in his room..really, Ben would qualify for one of those hoarder shows..anyways, did that...moved all the furniture out, threw out his bed and mattress...the bed was at least 20 years old....we've bought a new bed..a double size...he's quite tall, he needs it..when they get that tall they look a little ridiculous in a twin size....anyways, this old body is paying the price today so this afternoon, as I said I've been reading.....

....tried to get some done on the book for my book club that meets on Tuesday...we're doing the Joanna Weaver book....'Having a Mary heart in a Martha world'...very good but I will admit that I don't seem to be in the mood for reading non fiction this afternoon.....so after a couple of chapters...suppose to read four....I moved onto my fiction read....the latest in the Father Tim series (which comes after the Mitford series)...I will admit to absolutely loving the Mitford series....I wish I could live in Mitford, a fictitious town, I know..but I still want to live there....it even made me appreciate the Anglican church that my son became part of....at first, when he did that , I was very upset....you know when you bring up your children in a certain way, a certain faith, a certain church..when they choose a different way, or a different faith and or a different church..well, it's hard...you become very hurt...it's almost like they're rejecting you...but after reading the Mitford series and learning more about the Anglican (Episcopalian) church...I then could appreciate the parts that my son found so appealing...anyways...that's kind of off the topic now isn't it.....

I do enjoy reading, in fact I feel sorry for people that don't enjoy it....so, many times, growing up, when I didn't have a friend to share things with then I lose myself in a book, their lives would become mine, you could go off to different lands, to different families...for a few hours, you could just immerse yourself in a life that wasn't yours...I found it very enjoyable...and when the book came to an end I'd feel a little sad...the characters in the stories had become friends and I'd no longer be part of their lives. Many a time I'd wish the stories would go on and on and not stop....

Today in my inbox, there was an ad for the newest Kindle...I'm torn about wanting one...part of me does...(even though I can't afford it) and the other part doesn't...I do like the feel of a book in my hand, they become an old friend that I put on my library shelf..yes, I have over 700....and I can return to them, I can stand and look at them,...remembering stories, choosing one to reread that fits my mood...the Kindle or other such readers do have some advantages, one in particular is transportation...books are heavy...put 3-4 in my carry on bag and it's alright if you have a short walk between gates at the airport but they can get pretty heavy....one slim Kindle in your bag would solve a lot. But,..do I go away enough to justify the cost....no, I think not...so, I'll stick with my books...I did get smarter this time though..when we went to San Antonio last month I put the majority of my books in my checked and just chose one for the flight..plus a couple of magazines...never know when you might like a change in a read...

So..that's my quiet afternoon....reading...it's a good thing.

Friday, November 5, 2010

A few hours......

Good Morning Company Girls!

Well, how are you all doing? Personally, I'm very glad that it's Friday...today is not hubby's alternate Friday off...that is a definite draw back....I truly love those days....puts you in the mood for retiring that's for sure!

Last week I asked you to pray for my hubby and I'm very grateful to those that did....you see, that week, a few days before...hubby had an extremely stressful day and when he came home from teaching that evening he was confused, disoriented and couldn't remember anything. It was quite alarming! The next day, he was acting normally although he had a bad headache.... he (at my insistence) got his blood pressure checked and it was fairly high making me wonder just how high it was the previous night to cause the situation that occurred! Well, we got him into the doctor this week and the doctor did say that there was a possibility that he had a TIA . For now he's put him on a low grade aspirin daily and is sending him for an MRI. Unfortunately, there's usually a long waiting list so who knows when that will happen! The doctor did say that if it happens again that I should get him into emergency right away. So..it's a wait and see time.....unfortunately, now I have to work extra hard not to tell him too much of what's going on with the kids because I don't want to stress him more....very hard after sharing everything for the last 40 years!

So, this past week I went to quilt class on Monday...started hand stitching a new quilt...I think I'll give it to my mom...when I got the top put together the whole pattern just hollered that it was her style...it takes me about 6 months to handstitch a throw size so maybe by the beginning of summer I'll have it done...I'm looking forward to winter days, sitting with my mom at her wee apartment in the retirement residence, just sitting there sewing and keeping her company....

Tuesday, I had an appointment with a social worker that I see about once a month...I originally went to see her to get help with Ben but now she helps me....it's a positive relationship..she helps me to see the trees thru the forest..or vice versa...can never keep that straight....

On Wednesday, Don and I were suppose to have an appointment with Emma's counsellor but one of us (the counsellor or me) goofed up the location (she has two offices) and it didn't happen..it's rescheduled for next week...which is a good thing, since to add with the cutting situation Emma has now decided that she's bisexual...apparently most of the kids she hangs out with...you know the kind...multiple body piercings, tattoos,black clothing..you get the picture...are also bisexual...it seems to be the 'in' thing to be these days..especially when you see it all the time in television shows and movies....quite frankly hubby and I are really struggling with this latest development.....

Thursday had me taking my mom back to the dentist...this time it was just for a cleaning...she nearly blew a gasket when she paid the bill...all the while I was driving her home she was very quiet...when I asked what was going on she complained about the cost and whether it was really worth it to have this done at her age.....I kind of turned the tables and pointed out that at least she had the money available to her to get it done...some people don't....that got her to thinking that at least she still had her own teeth...I agreed that that was a good thing....I then suggested that maybe we could stop and have lunch at a restaurant instead of at the retirement place....she agreed and we had a nice lunch.
...later...that day...I took Emma to a talent agency that had spied her at a fair this past August..they wanted to see her...she was thrilled...I was sceptical but thought that if it was legitimate that maybe it would give her a different focus in her life...she really is a pretty girl...the interview went well..they're suppose to call next week to see if they can use her....

next week we have a few family birthdays...Emma on Monday and grandson Donovan on Tuesday..November is a big birthday month in the family so that by the time December rolls around you're thoroughly tired of birthday cake!

Today, even though it's not a 'hubby day off'....I'm going to take a day off......it's been quite a week....I think I deserve it!....I'm thinking of going somewhere and hiding.....last night I said to hubby.....'you wouldn't be upset if I ran away tomorrow would you...you'd understand right'....he said yes he'd understand but that he'd be upset...well, can't have that...blood pressure you know...maybe I'll just run away for a few hours.....