Tuesday, November 30, 2010

We were just getting ready for bed when I heard the wailing.....coming from downstairs....I knew it was Emma....she was once again angry with me.....

She wanted her 'friend' to come and sleep over.....she had already tried to convince me that this girl needed to come and live with us...that her dad was kicking her out...she needed a place to stay.......this is the same girl that used the 'b' word, for a female dog...which is fine if you're actually talking about dogs...but she was talking about me...just a few months ago....and Emma now wanted her to come to live with us.......

I told her that first of all...we didn't have the room.....she indicated her bedroom floor...I said that was fine for a one night sleep over but not an extended indefinite stay......I also said that because this girl was underage that she really should be calling Children's Aid ...they could help her in ways that we couldn't...they could put her in touch with government agencies that could help her to establish life on her own......the bottom line is that I didn't want this child in my home.....this is unusual for me....I've been accused by family members of 'collecting' kids....and I will admit that my 'former' foster mother heart wanted to help this girl, wanted to give her the mothering that I knew she had never experienced...but I just can't.....too much going on with Emma these days, too much going on with Megan these days, concerns for Paul, Corey, Ryan, Jenn, Leslie, Jairus, Lauren, Ryan P, and most of all, concern for my beloved....who works too hard....he doesn't need another teen in this house, especially one that we would have no real jurisdiction over....

Emma wants to hang out with school friends after school, on weekends....any time.....we say no.......these kids are the ones that claim to be bisexual, who post really gross pics on Facebook, most have the tattoos and the multiple piercings, the less than appropriate clothing attire....

.......I said to Emma, as she sobbed....Emma, when you were younger and you made the choice to go out on the road, get to close to a moving car, too near to the campfire and kept on having asthmatic attacks in the pool...dad and I did something...we kept you away from the road, out of the path of a moving car, stopped you from leaning too close to the fire and made sure you took your inhaler before swimming.....that's because you were making bad choices that would harm you...we are your parents, we love you...it was our job to keep you safe.....

......now, you are older but sometimes you are still making choices that are harmful to you.....hanging out with these kids after school (I can not control her hanging out with them during the seven hours of school time).....is harmful to you.....we have to try and keep you safe.....she just cried...'just stop, I don't want you to'.....'I know, but I have to...that's my responsibility, I'm your parent'....

Earlier, I had found a paper on the floor in her room...(she had left it in plain view for me to find)...it said (in her favourite colour)....there will be five new cuts on my arm for everyday that I'm not allowed to see my friends......I asked 'are you trying to blackmail me.....if you do this, it will be your choice....I don't want you to do it..but it will be your choice...and it's liable to get you onto the psych ward....'I don't care', she says........'well, it is your choice', I say.

So, as I sit beside her bed, at 11:45pm....I'm drawn to touch her shoulder, as she cries, to rub it gently....she cries out..'don't touch me, I don't want you to touch me'....I continue to rub......I say...'I'm your mom and I love you'.......

...a few more minutes pass...she says 'just go, just go'....and so I do....but, as I leave I gently, inconspicuously, move a pair of scissors of the floor, that were by my feet.....to under the bed...no, I don't think she's suicidal....I just didn't want anymore cutting...I didn't want the scissors there, prompting her to use them.....

....another evening past....another day today......we'll see how today goes.....

2 comments:

joyceandnorm said...

Sorry to hear that it is a tough time. Praying for you. I think when they are grown, kids will realize how much you love them during those time when you make them do things they don't want to do.

juniper said...

You are such an amazing beautiful mother. Never lose sight of that.
Love you.