Friday, January 27, 2012

commitment.....

Good Morning Company Girls...and a grey day it is today in my little corner of the world....

It's been an interesting week....for the last few months we knew that eldest daughter and her family were scheduled to move from their house to a new house in the month of February,and now...since I last communicated with you , we found out that two more daughters are moving...yes, can you believe it? Last week second eldest daughter and her partner purchased their very first home...and yesterday I found out that Emma is moving to a place of her own on the first of February!! I see the coming month as one of excitement and upheaval, joy and tears, stress and exhilaration....it should be interesting...if hubby and I can handle it all!

I was forced this week, to give some serious thought to relationships...I was asked to come to our local Children's Aid office to talk about being a foster parent who adopted a few children.....when I was asked, I laughed...and laughed and laughed some more.....you see, things aren't going so well with some of my kids right now, so I at first thought...'I am the LAST person that you want to have come and talk to prospective adopted parents!'....then the social worker said to me...she knows what has been going on....'Marie, even if you are feeling inadequate right now, people need to know about your commitment....that is the most important thing right now'. So, I went....I was suppose to talk for an hour to an hour and a half....when the worker said the evening was done, I had been sharing for 2-1/2 hours....relationships and the complexities of the lives of our children....not hard to talk about is it...not hard to find enough to say...you can go on and on and on....the interweaving of feelings, the fine dancing on eggshells as you try to navigate the patterns of their lives.....

as a mom, you want to fix things...but you cant...it's not as simple as when they were little and they fell and scraped their knee and you kissed it all better...a kiss all better doesn't solve the problems anymore...the weight of the descension overwhelms you and falls on your shoulders like a heavy cloak....it feels like the weight of those coverings they lay on you to protect you in an exray....although this cloak doesn't protect you from harmful rays or bitterness and anger...you feel every jab, every barb....every thrust wearies you.....

you try to figure out these relationships because you feel that if you could just do that then it would be a start...a start to the healing that is required...unfortunately, you also realize that it is too big...much bigger than you, as a mere mortal can handle ...the intertwining threads of their lives remind you of those huge electrical boxes filled with multicolored wires that you couldn't possible figure out.

I read many blogs and one talked about all the different papers and charts that there is to organize your life...from menu planning to thot planning...yes even to organize your thots, your prayers your challenges, your goals....I said to my hubby that I couldn't possibly do that....right now, my mind reminds me of those snowstorm days...you know when you are driving and the snow is coming at your windshield...so many white spots coming at you at a speed you can barely take in...or, if you don't live where there is snow and thus find it difficult to visualize..then, outer space...and the space ship is traveling and all the stars are coming at it...you must have watched star trek at some time....well, that's how I feel right now....all the facets of my life are traveling at me and there is no way I could ever compartmentalize into all the many categories that are required to be organized....

okay...so I ramble on....but there must be a key...a key to unlock all of this...I just haven't discovered it...and maybe I never will this side of heaven....I'm sure God has the answer....at the sharing time the other night, one parent asked me 'what keeps you going...what keeps you going to the hospital in the middle of the night...or being willing to go and help them when they've treated you so badly'? and I think the answer is that you never know when you'll be able to undo the wiring, see each individual snowflake as it comes by....you never know when your simple touch, your love will be enough to break thru all the mess...and you'll see a smile, a genuine smile filled with joy that you can feel deep down in the depths of your heart. That you've finally been able to convince them, whether they be birth child or adopted, that you are their mom, that you care...that you aren't going anywhere until the Lord takes you home...and even at that time I'll still be praying for them from heaven...I will not stop.





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3 comments:

Diane said...

Oh Marie, what a heart you have for these wounded kids, and such an example of God's relentless love for them you model! I pray your honesty will spur some of those candidates to foster - and to perservere no matter what.

Katharine said...

Marie, What a beautiful photo! How fortunate all the canidates were to have you share your heart, and life with them!
Blessings

joyceandnorm said...

What a blessing you are!!