This Job.....

She stood at the foot of my bed this morning...she had questions about her brain. She had listened in to a conversation between the pediatrician and I the other day....how we were talking about her delays and why this had possibly happened to her. Sometimes you wonder if doctors ever use their brains when they speak in front of the child, forcing you to answer questions that you don't want to answer in front of the child....so this morning she wanted to know about her brain.....this brain that has been working for over 14 years....not well but working. She wondered why her brain was bad.....I quickly said and had to repeat myself several times in our short early morning conversation....your brain is not bad....your brain was damaged before you were even born...it is not bad. Over fourteen years but developmentally it stopped at age three.....then she asked about her heart....she was born with a heart that didn't work properly....she had three surgeries...one when she was just a few days old....'well, if they could do surgery to fix my heart, cant they do surgery on my brain?', she asks.....'no, I'm afraid not...there isn't any surgery that can fix your brain'......I know what she's thinking...babies...she wants babies....I've had to tell her that she cant have babies....she wouldn't be able to look after them......and then it comes out...'so I cant have babies?'...'no, I'm afraid not'.....'will my sisters be able to have babies?'...'yes, they will'.......

I hate these conversations.........as the mother, I'm the one that has to dash their hopes, their dreams...when they were little you could listen to what they said and smile and say 'maybe...we'll see'...knowing in your heart that it wouldn't happen.....but when they're little you can 'put them off'....delay the hurt....as they get older you cant..... When the 18 year old who is really 6 years old in his comprehension, wants to get his driving licence,...you have to gently say no...that's not going to happen...you have to find the words to explain the why...words that they will understand but hopefully not hurt...but they do,...they always do.....

....there are definitely parts of this job that I hate.....