Fear........something that plagues us, something that eats away and destroys our peace.....if we let it.....
As Christians we learn all about Fear Not.....the words that we put out there when we're uncertain, words that we cling to....most of the time we are able to remind ourselves of that , and as were swirling down the drain overwhelmed by the flowing water that we feel will consume us, that we will surely drown in, we hold on tight, til the water stops....til we can breathe again. Sometimes we feel our facial muscles will never relax again, ...but they do.
As a mom, I try to hide fear from my kids, when they feel fear, I talk to them, talk them through it, talk them off the ledge, as one of my kids has said.....when I feel fear, I try to hide it, try not to show it, after all , they are looking to you for security and if mom can't give it then there's a problem. All their growing up years you try to mask, especially with the big things like surgeries, medical diagnoses, close relatives dying, employment in jeopardy, financial instability and debt....the list goes on.....the things you truly have absolutely no control over.....the only one I truly show it to is my hubby, my Donald.
This mental illness with Maya is something I truly have no control over ....it comes and goes as it likes.....so far she's been back from the Dark side , sixteen days.....she has started a new medication....this one not an antipsychotic but an anti depressant.....for the first ten days it was at the lowest dose, and then they upped it, doubling the strength...they said it would take a number of weeks to notice the difference. Meanwhile , Maya feels she's great....she spoke last week about getting sick at Christmas, two years in a row....it would seem that she is equating the two.....hubby and I have talked about how we need to get her over that fear, that self foretelling prophecy that it will happen Christmas, after Christmas...because, as we witnessed this past Christmas...if she believes it, her brain will make it happen...cause it did. It's a fear she lives with and I do too...as her primary caregiver when this happens, it affects me too....and Donald and the other two kids in the house and even to some degree , her two older sisters who help me when they can.
We try to control our circumstances or environment so we don't feel fear. We keep busy, busy, busy...so we don't feel fear.....some people opt for sleeping...they sleep the time away and hopefully the fear will go with it, they hide from it through sleep. The trouble is that we can never control our life or other peoples....as a mother, if I could have done that then my kids lives would have turned out a lot differently then they have. It doesn't work that way though....we're all given this thing called free will, so even if their father and I would have chosen differently for them, the bottom line is their free will....I am not responsible for their choices, I am not a failure because they've chosen differently then I thought they should....but sometimes that finger of fear does wiggle it's pointy finger into your heart and brain and try to convince you otherwise.
Fear was the first thing that grabbed me in the grocery store on Friday night. Mama Cass was belting out the tune 'California Dreamin' over the speaker system....I WAS enjoying it....there's something about the music from your teen years that just puts you in a good mood.....when it was done, Don turns to me, with a sheepish grin on his face....' Oh ya, that song about California reminds me.....Don V. And I have to go back there again...in March'.... Right there in the middle of the aisle, the light hearted feeling I had had, seconds before , was gone...replaced by fear.....'for how long'........another grimaced smile..( there is such a thing, I saw it on his face......he wasn't just reminded by mama Cass about the trip, it had been on his mind and she just gave him a perfect set up for 'dropping the bomb....'a week' said he.....we finished the shopping in silence.........as we were driving home and the tears were silently rolling down my cheeks...I whispered ...'but what if Maya gets sick again...I can't do it alone....Leslie and Lauren are busy, they can't always help......what will I do'....the fear took over.
Through out the rest of the evening, as my mind worked through it all, I felt exhausted and worn out. I went on my email.....there was one from Don...I was confused...he was out in the kitchen , putting all the groceries away (it's a very long story just why he always puts the groceries away)....so when did he have the opportunity to send an email...ah...the ease of having a cell phone clipped to your belt......his email described a little get away that he's planned for April...I looked at it in despair because I knew he had done this to lift my spirits, to give me something to look forward to...he knows that's imperative for MY mental health...but all I felt was despair as I read the plans he had made...lovely plans, really...but at that moment I couldn't enjoy them...fear had taken over...
The next day dawned brighter, the next day I knew that what ever happens with Maya that I am not alone and even when there are no humans around to help me that there is One who never leaves me, who never forsakes me, who is holding onto me. I opened the email again and reread Don's plans...at first I had thot they were just preliminary plans but then he grinned and said that they were all set...and booked....accommodations, flights, and adult care...all set. I looked at him and admitted...'well, you just might have to pour me into a container by that point to take me, you know'....( meaning I just might be too worn out to manage it)... He just grinned.