Prayer

I've been thinking a lot lately about prayer....we all do it at sometime or another...it doesn't matter at what level our faith or belief is at yet, we do pray. The believer prays all the time, it's a way of life, like breathing, an unconscious effort....the non believer , or the one that doesn't like to acknowledge believing, uses it as a last resort...'well, I've tried everything else, so I'm desperate , I'll try this'.....there's a saying that 'there isn't any atheists in a foxhole'....or something like that...meaning, no matter how much we shun god in our everyday life, when we're in a panic, or scared out of our skulls, we turn to him and expect him to jump to it....and when they don't get the answer they desire, quickly abandon prayer as..'see, I told you it didn't work'.....but, really...if you have shunned a relationship with someone who is on the level of a stranger, do you really expect the stranger to snap into action and help you?....I think not.

So, as I said...I've been thinking a lot about it lately....something I learned to do as a small child...something that most of us learned at that age...before we go to bed with the 'now I lay me's'.....or before we eat our food....'God, is great, God is good'.....as you got older, you realized that praying by rote is okay for little kids but you realized that you had to start thinking on your own....using your own words, a little more meaningful than memorized verse that you didn't even have to think about.

You went thru the stage of not wanting your friends to know that you prayed before your lunch at school, so you devised different ways....looking off into space, that dazed look on your face...after all, we don't have to close our eyes...it just helps to shut out the distractions....although dangerous if you do it while driving your vehicle...or when you're lying in bed....you usually fall asleep before you're done....

You get thru the next stage of choosing whether to believe in prayer, whether it's necessary in your life or not....I know some go thru this...I've seen it in my own children,...I've been fortunate,personally, I've never had to struggle with that one.

All this thinking about prayer has to do with the situation about Maya.....read the previous post if you're not aware.....

When maya and I went to our long awaited appointment this past Monday with the Cleghorn program staff.....we were given the news that I hadn't even thot about, hadn't even entered my mind....the chance that one of these confusion times would come, and instead of staying for about 10 days and then her coming back to us,...that it would come and stay ...for good...maya would be forever lost to us....she would be in a world of blank....at 21 years of age.

It didn't hit me til the next day....the horror of that possibility assaulted me from every which way....as I drove to quilting....I cried, I begged, I pleaded that this wasn't so....I sat in quilting, quiet, withdrawn unable to talk.....my friends immediately knew that something horrible was going on....thru tears I shared what had been told to us the day before....of course they said they'd pray....people say that in these situations....sometimes they mean it and sometimes they're just words. There it is again....prayer....I'll pray for you....prayin' for ya'.......how many times have we said that and meant it...how many times have we followed thru?

It came to me that maya needed prayer...of course she did...but how....well, I reasoned...just praying for her to get better, which hubby and I've been doing since this began at Christmas....just didn't seem enough....with this latest bomb dropped on us on Monday, I felt more was needed...a COMPLETE healing was needed.....I believe in that...I believe that can happen....but how...how do we pray that....this questioning made me turn to my bible...and hubby's bible...he has one that explains the bible passages...I was never good at understanding phrases that said one thing and meant another....but I was looking for complete healings.....there are a number listed, many that we learned as children...the ten lepers, the sick man lowered thru the roof by his friends, the man laying beside the pool that was helped by his friends....I remember hearing about these in Sunday school......there are others we learned about as we got older....the mother with her dying son, the centurion who believed that his child didn't even have to be touched...that Jesus just had to say the words, the woman , with the 'issue of blood'...that just touched the hem of his garment, and the one that spoke to me the most, in Mark 7... When Jesus went into a house and thot he'd have a few minutes to himself, but this woman pursued him, spoke to him and because of the words that she spoke, her child was completely healed.

Hubby and I lay in bed that night talking about this.....we have tried everything...doctors, medicines, supplements, counselors, ......and yet these people on Monday said it was all for nothing...that we didn't have control over this demon that has taken over Maya's brain. The stubborn part of me says..NO......it just can't be. As I said...it's not like we and many others haven't been praying...we have....so, I look again at the scriptures...these different accounts of healing...in all these instances, these people showed great faith....whether they were the people actually afflicted or their family or friends....they stepped out in faith.....that's what we need to do...but...Jesus isn't physically on earth like he was in the scriptural accounts.....but....he is here.....we can still step out in faith, we can still believe, believe that he doesn't physically have to be here to touch Maya, to heal her....the centurion believed it, the mother in Mark believed it...her child was home and in bed.....

I choose to believe.....I choose to believe that maya will be healed....I am trying to step out in faith.....

Will you join me, my friends...my family....I know some read this blog but don't comment...not even to me....that's okay....that's not important...

The important, the most critical right now...is...will you step out in faith with Don and I , believing and thanking God that Maya will be healed....completely.

Will you?



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As I drove up James Street yesterday...I was reminded of the day, twenty one years ago this month, that I made a similar drive ....a drive that would end in me picking up a little new born girl....born three days earlier. I still remember that drive very well....I remember that every traffic light turned red, as I crept up the street in very thick traffic.....my body was tense...I had never been part of an apprehension before.....I was to meet the social worker in the stairwell of the maternity ward. Very cloak and daggerish....very exciting, very scary......the apprehension went well, no drama....until I realized that in my excitement of taking on this new responsibility ....I strapped the babe in her car seat, in my van, put my keys on the driver seat, locked the doors.....and....realized...with....horror.....that....I ....had....locked....the....babe...in....the....van....with....the...keys.......and a brand new worker, that I'd never met before watching me do it! Oh ...my...goodness.....to say I panicked was putting it mildly.....I raced back into the hospital to call my husband , (this was before cell phones!) who worked about a half an hour away,....he raced towards the hospital...making it in 20 minutes....thankfully the babe stayed asleep...oblivious to the whole scenario unfolding around her.....hubby unlocked the door, the social worker smiled and Maya and I were on our way home.....I don't recall how long it took me to stop shaking but we did make it home!

Twenty one years later, once again, I'm driving on James Street, with Maya in the seat beside me....but this time we're going up....not down....up to a medical building across the street from the hospital I had picked her up from....taking her to an appointment with workers, doctors and nurses that perhaps could give us some answers.....answers to what happened....what happened to this vibrant, happy ( for the most part) young woman , that on Christmas Day caused us to sign a paper agreeing to let her.....well, we really didn't have a choice, they said....it was court ordered...they were taking her anyways...taking her to the locked down mental ward of a hospital connected with the very one that she had been born at....the very one that I had picked her up at, when she was just 3 days old.....but this time it was a locked ward...not a locked van that her dad could rescue her from....we both felt so helpless and confused.

Complete stress breakdown, they said , at first. Don't worry, they said...we have an amazing doctor...she'll get to the bottom of this....she'll find out what's going on....she'll help her. They pumped her full of drugs....our beautiful Maya...sitting in a world that we couldn't reach....both physically and mentally.

For three weeks she was there....she gradually started to 'come out of it'...she begged to come home...we were with her every day, all day long....she had few visitors except for her two sisters who were faithful each day...not that the others didn't want to come, and help...but geographically it wasn't possible.

For three weeks, we fed her, toileted her, bathed her, dressed her....played games with her, coloured with her, walked with her...up and down the hall...over and over.....

Finally the doctor said she could come home....home was in a shambles....no one , but her brother and sister had really been there for three weeks...except one day, daughter Lauren came and did a cleaning blitz....no food in the house, no laundry done.....but we were home....home for a day...and then hubby would enter the hospital for much needed surgery....and he would be there for a week....my body and mind craved for it all to be over....for us all to be home....for us all to rest. Eventually, that happened....he did come home, and Maya and Don recovered.

Well, Don did...Maya...not so much.

Two and a half weeks after she was discharged, we were horrified to see her, once again, showing signs of confusion....within a day, she was completely 'zoned out'.....we were in despair....it had come back and we had no idea what to do....the hospital had been a terrifying experience for her and I was determined, if at all possible, to keep her at home. She wasn't violent towards us, or to herself so we were able to do it...but it was exhausting....the first few days she hardly slept, so either did we....you had to do for her as you would a toddler....each day we looked for signs that she was coming back to us....and about ten days later, gradually, she did....

After that, we were constantly watching, constantly on alert to it coming back....never able to plan things, go places...we didn't know if it would come back and if it did...when would it.

Come back it did.....about 45 days after the last time, ...it returned.....hubby had a business trip to California planned...just a three day one....but his first since he had been ill....the weekend before he left on the Monday, I noticed little things, little things that put me on guard, made me realize that she was slipping away again....and there wasn't anything I could do....by Sunday evening, her mind was blank and Don left on his trip four hours later. The next three days were an exhausting nightmare....she hardly slept and neither did I....when Don returned, he took a vacation day and stayed home to help.....the next day was Good Friday. Then about eleven days after it began, she came back....not remembering anything about it, talking as if the last eleven days had not taken place. (Yesterday the doctor said this was 'normal' ...apparently the brain doesn't record anything in a state of catatonia)

Maya has 'lost' about a month of her life at this point....time that she'll never get back...it's gone forever.

Yesterday, she met with all these people....people that help those who have a first psychotic event...people that are supposed to know what they're doing. Finally, I hoped, finally some answers.....not so fast, I'm afraid.....after interviewing us for 2-1/2 hours....they could only start to speculate...we have to go back....in two weeks...for more intel gathering...and then once again after that, for three months....the only thing they know, at this point is that Maya has something called Catatonia...which , when I googled...I discovered was a wide range catch all for many psychotic events. So far they can't tell me what caused or causes it, from what they said, it doesn't sound like it will go away permanently, in fact , the opposite...they terrified me, when they said it could come one time and stay!

This morning Maya got up earlier than usual, she said she didn't feel good...she said she was thinking abut what happened at Christmas...she said she was scared.

So am I.



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The Learning Curve

As a mom of a very large family, I have learned a lot over the years.....much, much more than I would have if we had stopped at the average of 2.5 children....like how much of a child is .5?.......anyways.....each child with their special needs, their quirks, their personalities, their developmental issues....over the years my parenting/mothering skills have grown and changed. I can honestly say that I do not parent the same way today that I did when I started out thirty-nine years ago....I think as they grew, so did I ....I gained patience, organizational skills, knowledge that I never dreamt I'd need to know.....like the best way to tame minority hair, the best creams for brown skin that was constantly thirsty but sensitive to every cream on the market, how to comfort a baby who had been abused in the womb, how to feed a newborn baby whose digestive system had been turned inside out by cocaine and alcohol, how to stimulate a young child who never had any the first three years of their life.

So many situations sent me to many doctors . social workers, other mothers for the answers.....why isn't he saying any words, why is her body so rigid, what is this rash, why is she constantly vomiting, why does it take an hour and a half to drink two ounces of formula....some answers the doctors didn't have, some the answers were hard to hear.....
Some situations you railed at the system...the system that allowed these children to fall through the cracks, that allowed them to become victims , that saw their lives become filled with words that the average child would never hear....like court, judges, workers, visits......children that were used as pawns in the game....

Mothering so many children....I'm including them all....the ones I gave birth to, the ones we adopted, the ones I babysat, the ones we fostered....each child brought with them unique and different personalities and needs that shaped me into the person I am today....it forced me into opening myself up, the self that I had tightly closed, growing up with a physical handicap...closed to avoid being hurt....yes, sticks and stones do hurt, but names are worse....much deeper....so you close yourself up to hopefully not feel the hurt. A wonderful young man was brought into my life....he started slowly to open that closed door, bit by bit.....his commitment and love for me...which needed constant reassurance,(in my mind)...I would stare at him when he gave me a compliment...unbelieving, wondering if they were just words....

In the last few weeks, before my dad died, three years ago....he gave me such a wondrous gift....he told me that him and my mom were amazed, they were amazed at all I could do, at what I had accomplished....I was over the moon with the joy I felt....my parents were never ones to give compliments as we were growing up...my mother was convinced you might get a swollen head!...so, to hear these words....wow.

So many people tell me that they couldn't do what I do, they couldn't live my life, they couldn't parent/foster/adopt.....LOVE.......but, if I hadn't....if I hadn't done all those things , had all these different children in my life than I wouldn't be the person that I am today....

Many people tell me that I am such a strong person( obviously not physical strength) ....each time I hear it, I think...you fools...this is a facade , this is a mask....but when I do allow myself to hear those words, I do think about my parents...the parents who tirelessly took me to doctors appointments, physio, sat thru operations, watching the doctors use their child as a guinea pig because they hadn't seen cases like mind before...unusual they'd say....but it was thru their perseverance that I tried and tried and tried and never gave up til I could do something, just like everyone else could...I may look weird doing it, but the point is, ...that I could. It was all due to them....they instilled that in me....

To each of my children.....the ones here with us and the one in heaven....I thank you.....I thank you for influencing my personality, for helping me develop my strengths and weaknesses, my understanding and my patience. You drew from me strengths to do things that I never dreamt I'd ever have the courage to do.

To my dearest husband.....the one who started the unfurling process, the one who makes me feel special.....the biggest thanks of all, for without you this process would never had started......I will always love you and I will always cherish your love for me.

......and to God, who planned my life before I was born, who knit me together in my mothers womb, who formed me and who loves me...I thank you, I thank you for making me just the way I am, and when I'm in heaven I'll look forward to using two good arms, to see what it's like, but, for now, I'm good.