So, last week I went and saw Emma's counselor...she thot we should touch base because Emma was cutting..again...she had stopped for a few weeks......she admitted to me that she was at a loss of what to do....she had tried everything to get Emma to want to change, to have a better life....but....Emma doesn't want to change...the counselor figures that she's very comfortable with the way things are...she has it made really....a place to live, food to eat, her very own bedroom, parents who have done for her...tried to help her in so many ways...but she just sits in her room....doing her hair and makeup...or sleeping....she's always sleeping....the 'experts' say that she's not depressed...just bored...she never does school work...sometimes she passes her school work and sometimes not...she doesn't really care...the only thing she cares about is her school friends.....when the counselor admitted to me that she was at a loss of what to do it reminded me of when I was taking Ben, my developmentally delayed 20 year old, to a social worker for anger management....she got to the point that she said that she had tried everything but because his comprehension level is so low that she couldn't think of anything to help him understand.....I came away from both meetings feeling the same way....discouraged.
Due to the damage done to them by unthinking, unknowing, and sometimes uncaring birth parents these kids and in turn, my husband and I, because we chose to adopt them, are stuck...stuck in a world where people don't know what to do...how they can be helped...and the older I get the harder it is to take...when you're in your 30's or 40's you have the energy to tackle things head on and have a 'can do' attitude. Not now...now I'm just weary.
The counselor said...come back in a few days...we'll talk again....so I did.....she suggested setting up things in our home like a group home....if she wants something she has to earn it..set out the guidelines and expectations....let her hang out with her bisexual friends with their black clothes and multiple facial piercings..because let's face it....Emma will be 18 this November and in another year she could possibly go off to college...where, as family history has presented itself in our family...the kids lead altogether different lifestyles than we (my husband and I) have brought them up with...we are a fairly conservative Christian home..when they leave they have to try everything..they are convinced that all those years we've kept them from having fun...having the good life....
So,..at first my thoughts were...absolutely not, no way....then the more I thought about it the more I thought....maybe, maybe we should consider this.....I thought some more...maybe if we let her do this now, cause just face it Marie, she's doing this lifestyle anyways...everyday, at school...when I can not do anything about it anyways....maybe if we do allow it now we can still have some input instead of waiting til she's on her own and she's completely away from any parental influences.....so, I convinced hubby...he thought I had lost my mind...maybe I have....
I set up the guidelines...they must be adhered to if she wants any privileges.....there are expectations...she must get a volunteer position..somewhere....every kid that graduates high school in Ontario must have 40 hours of volunteer work...so far Emma hasn't any.....she must do all her chores without being asked.....she must treat everyone in the family with kindness and respect. She must tell me where she's going and when she'll return.
Emma's requests were to spend more time with her school friends after school, hanging out, sleeping over at their homes, being able to call them on the phone...she also wanted them to sleep over here.....we vetoed that particular one....I have Ben and Megan in the home...two very developmentally delayed kids in the house...they don't need that kind of exposure to Emma's friends in their own home....neither do I for that matter....
So far, Emma has been doing her chores, she has plans for getting volunteer positions but hasn't followed thru yet. Last night her friend, Kimma called....she used to go to Emma's school...in fact, I'm pretty sure that she's the one that introduced Emma to the whole bisexual world....apparently, according to Facebook....Kimma and Emma are 'in a relationship'...they are 'dating' now.....I feel a huge heaviness on my heart and soul...I feel sick inside....I want to take Emma's body and just shake it...(although since she's bigger and way stronger than me, that ain't going to happen)...good grief...don't call the cops on me.....I want to yell at her and say...'smarten up' 'what the pete do you think you're doing?' 'you're ruining your life'......when I see on Facebook, all her friends congratulating them and telling Emma how wonderful it is that she's with Kimma...well, it just makes me sick and I feel badly for the kids of today that their standards and morals are so screwed that they think that all this is just fabulous....am I a homophobic?...probably....I see it as a lifestyle that has a lot of sadness in it...a lot of society 'accepts' it on the outside but on the inside they're still going 'yuck'..'how can they do that!'....
I fear for Emma...she has turned to these kids because the other kids...the non-bisexuals have shunned her...they think she's weird, not because of the bisexualism but because that's just the way she acts....I think she scares them....she does act weird a lot of the time....you'd never dream that she was going to be 18 by the end of the year....
So...what's a mother to do...what would you do?
6 comments:
dear friend, i am so sorry to hear that you have to deal with this. i have no advice to offer, only prayer.
Mom, check out this link. I spoke about this psychiatrist before. Let's talk tomorrow. Can't wait to see you.
http://www.stmichaelshospital.com/research/profile.php?id=links&
Oh, I think I would cry and pray and ask for help like you are.
I think you are off to a great start with demanding more of her. If she wants somethings she has to earn it, that is how it works in the real world. I am not sure what else I would do. I don't want to comment on bisexuality as this is something I don't agree with most peoples ideas of it anyways. Still I think you should accept her the way she is, but demand that even if she is wants this lifestyle she will have to shape up her life and become a responsible adult.
Whew, that was a tough read but I'm sure you wouldn't mind someone else praying for you. Jesus wants her heart. He loves her and he placed her in YOUR home for His purpose. Seriously, I can't imagine how hard this must be. But just like everything else that the Lord lays in our path, we have to do what we know is right and let Him handle the rest. You can't question every action, just handle it the way you feel God urging and don't worry about the fruit. God will provide that in his timing. Think of it as sowing seeds. You are just sowing now, then watering. It's not time for the harvest yet. Even if she leaves your house just as messed up as she is now, everything she learned with you will be a part of her. It will remain in her to retrieve in God's timing. I will pray for her every time I blog... Blessings Debbie
Hello friend. I am sending up my prayers for your daughter. I also passed on the prayer request to a friend that has been a foster mom and adopted several of those children over the years. It amazes me what strength it takes to do what you do. God has really given you the gift of mercy. Know that He is pleased with the way that you love these children. I will continue to lift my prayers for you.
Love,
Melissa
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