Friday, March 10, 2017

I really don't know if anyone reads my blog anymore but I had some thoughts that I decided to write the other morning and I decided today to make part of my blog.....
Do you watch that television show..'This Is Us'? I can never seem to find the time to watch it in the evening when it airs so I usually watch it the next day on my iPad.....this last episode had the mom, trying to explain her feelings that she felt to her son Randall....they had adopted him at birth and brought him home with their twins (they were supposed to be triplets but one babe died) I have no earthly idea why I'm explaining all of this because this show is so popular that everyone is probably saying..ya,ya..get on with it....anyways, the mom, was trying to explain to her son the fear she felt about him finding his birth dad and him wanting to be with the birth dad and she couldn't bear to lose him.....
This is what triggered my thoughts...the fear....if you're just stopping in and have never read my blog....we are a family of nine grown children...seven of whom we adopted....one of our sons has preferred to live with his birth father for a few years now.

So these are the thoughts that swirled in my head as the tears flowed down my cheeks.....

You know, .....when you're an adoptive mom, it's an added step, to being a mom.....

There are no rules, there are no guidelines to follow....each day, each moment...you're kind of feeling your way, like fingers reaching out in the pitch black darkness.....hoping you don't make mistakes, hoping you make the right calls, the right decisions....many of you are probably thinking....that's no different then a birth mom....but it is...because, I know...I have been both....and it's not the same.

All you want to hear them say is..'I love you, mom'....and mean it....and know that your child is not secretly wishing, deep down inside, that they were really saying it to their birth mom....that they're not wanting to know, just how different, or the same their lives would have actually been.

I guess they would always wonder that.....

Being an adoptive mom....you have a worker ask you way back at the beginning of the unbelievably large number of interviews that is required...they always ask you...'how do you feel about your child wanting to search for their birth parents?'...on the outside, you're saying..'of course, at the appropriate time, we would help them'...sure, we would....on the inside , you're saying, oh, please God, no...if I do that, what if they like them better, what if they wish we'd never adopted them.....you're always competing with this unknown mother, you're always scared....scared that they will find their birth parent, they will decide that they'd rather be with their birth parent, that you would lose them forever.....and where does that leave you...are you still their mom....you were their mom for most of their lives, she you have the legal papers with the special court stamp on it that says you are, but now what are you....do you say....oh, yes...I had nine kids but one went back to their birth mom, so does that mean I have only eight now.....do you still count them as one of your kids...of course you do, in your heart...they will always be your kid but to the grown up child who has returned to his birth family....do they really think of you as 'their mom' anymore....who are you...what are you....are you just that woman that loved on you as you were growing up, held you when you cried, rocked you, sang to you to calm you, took care of you when you were sick....fed you, clothed you.....what are you now....some kind of past tense caretaker?

Adoptive moms are always competing with the birth moms.....they are always trying, always wishing, always dealing with that little crack in your heart, that fear that grows larger every time the child shows curiosity when wondering about their birth mom....but you have to cover it up, you have to put on a smile, you always have to live with the question.... always...why wasn't I good enough....I tried so hard, so very, very hard to be the mom you needed...why aren't I enough....but then you realize...it's not all about you...it's a much bigger picture....it includes people that you haven't even met, that you don't even know, that you have only heard about...and that this is another part of what makes your child who they really are...all the components put together....and even though your brain realizes it, it's still hard for your heart to accept....because your hearts desire is to be that ALL for your child...whether they're little or all grown up.

So, ....adoptive moms,.... they just come to the place that all they really want to hear is 'I love you, mom'.....and KNOW it was meant for them, and to no longer have that fear in their heart.



~ Marie